Friday, September 24, 2004
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Abortion: Big Excitement, Small Price
Yes folks, there is nothing like a good, old fashioned abortion to slap the boring out of your normal routine. Aside from the fact that you (or your sexual partner) has the sheer thrill and feelings of uncertainty associated with any type of surgery, an abortion will definitely shake your life up on a plethera of differrent levels.
First of all, your family life will most definitely get more interseting. Do you remember the first time that you had to discuss your sex life with your parents? Well, magnify the intensity of that conversation by about 1,000, and you will know what it is like to tell the family that you are ripping a fetus out of a human body and tossing it in a dumpster (that is unless you are smart, and sell that bitch on the black market for stem cell research, or as I have recently learned, on the market for "fetus trophies"). And let's not forget, every family has an utra conservative / christian group of relatives that are sure to get your blood flowing once they hear the news.
However, if you only tell your family about the procedure, you are not maxing this thing out to it's full potential. If you want some real excitement, head down to the local planned parenthood and tell the protestors outside that you are having an abortion for the sheer thrill of it. Although I have never actually done this myself, I can only imagine the adrenaline rush you will experience when the crowd begins to direct thier reaction towards you. I envision it is a similar rush to the one that I experienced when I had a gun pointed to my head in Detroit a few years back: Fear and exhileration swirled together creating one super-intense sensation.
Now that I have your attention about the subject, I know what you must be thinking; Yeah, this sure sounds exciting, but how much is this going to cost me? Well let me tell you, not much. About two years ago, a friend of mine in college came to me in tears because she had become pregnant by a total scumbag, and she had no idea what to do. Knowing in my heart that absolutely no good could possibly come from the birth of this child, I felt that I had to step up and be a man and offer to pay for her abortion. Luckily, a mutual friend of ours offered to split the cost with me, and when the day came, it only cost us each $185 for a grand total of $370. I understand that this sounds like a lot of money, but you must consider the fact that you are paying for months, if not years of animated excitement from family, friends and even complete strangers. And don't forget, as I mentioned above, if you sell the fetus on the black market, you could actually make money on the deal. Talk about a win-win situation. So, the next time you and your friends are bitching and moaning about how boring your 9-5 life has become, just remember, all it takes is one abortion to turn your mind numbing life into a screaming roller coaster of thrills.